How Lovely to Be a Woman

"How Lovely to Be a Woman".  This song, from the 1960’s musical “Bye, Bye Birdie”, was playing in my mind as I underwent a breast biopsy today.  Yes, the lovely vocal stylings of the beautiful Miss Ann Margaret ran through my brain as I lay face down on a table in a cold operating room, my naked breast dangling through a hole.  Odd pairing?  Of course, but, I couldn’t help but smile at the irony of those idyllic lyrics about womanhood, sung in Techni-color glory on the big screen, contrasted with the stark reality of what it means to be a woman in the real world.

There I lay, my face looking at a gray wall, my right check pressed into the table, my left arm trying to relax while my right arm was held straight down my side.  I could feel myself drooling out of the side of my mouth as I tried to regulate my breathing in a relaxed manner.  The doctor told me to make myself comfortable and covered me with a blanket to ward off the chill of the room.  Although I was there for very serious reasons – the first steps to determine if I had breast cancer – I couldn’t help but see the humor in my current state of half-undress.  How lovely to be a woman indeed. 

The plus side was that this was the first time I was able to lay on my stomach since I was ten, the year my breasts came into bloom.  As a card holding member of the triple D club (can you imagine how big I was when I was pregnant), supine on my stomach is not a preferred position.  Quite frankly, there aren’t too many positions that are comfortable when your girls are as big as honeydew melons.  So, I couldn’t help but appreciate this new view on the world, even though it was only for 30 minutes.

I was curious about what was to come next.  Yes, my breast was easily accessible through the opening in the bed, but what next.  There it hung, heavy like a bag of sand, ready for the needle.  But it was moving.  I could feel it slowly swaying, like Poe’s pendulum.  Although it wasn’t sliding downward toward some poor prisoner’s neck, it was swinging none the less.  As you gals who are of a certain age and in the possession of natural breasts can attest, the mature breast has a life of its own and is not easily contained. 

I was a bit disappointed that I couldn’t see what was going on under the table.  My odd sense of curiosity made me wonder how far down my breast hung and what it looked like.  I mean us women usually only observe our breasts by looking down.  Other than performing monthly breast self-exams, I don’t make a practice of looking at them in a mirror if I can avoid it.   I don’t mean to body shame myself, but seriously who wants to look at them at my age.  Not a pretty sight.  But I was curious about its current state.  I knew it would sag, but how much and would the entire shape of the breast morph into something resembling a butternut squash (as I imagined).  This time I listened to my inner, cautionary voice, and did not ask the doctor.  I kept my mouth shut and wondered.

I did ask if my breast would be left hanging, however, and was assured by the doctor and the technician that my breast would be secured while the procedure was performed.  This would be accomplished by a mammogram machine.  How exciting!  Not only do I get to have a needle plunged into my breast, but I get to have it squashed and compressed to the thickness of a pita bread while it happens.  The only thing that could make this any better would be if they performed a cervical exam at the same time.  I bet Ann Margaret wasn’t thinking of this while twirling in her bedroom and dreaming of wearing lipstick and high heels.

So the breast was secured, local anesthesia was administered by a needle (not as bad as you imagine), and I waited.  The doctor and the technician spoke back and forth, giving each other coordinates, as if they were playing a game of Battleship.  X7, Y9, Z12. “You sank my battleship!” I wanted to yell.  This, I understood, was to calibrate the machine so that it could accurately pinpoint the location of the mass in my breast.

At some point the doctor told me to remain still and not to be startled by a loud sound.  Sure, I said, no problem.  But as you all know that’s like telling someone you are going to punch them in the face, at some point, but you’re not going to tell them when, and that they shouldn’t flinch.  Right, let me just relax.  I waited on pins and needles.  The next thing I felt was a puff of air.  I then heard a sound, like a pneumatic nail gun, almost as if a blow dart had been shot into my breast.  My breast was numb by this point but I felt a small amount of pressure and a warm and painless sensation throughout.  So far, so good, I thought.

The doctor talked me through the rest of the procedure, which consisted of the removal of some breast tissue and the few granules of unknown substance which was the cause of my current concern.  I could hear the suction, like a tiny vacuum cleaner for my bosom, as the doctor tinkered at my side.  And then, before I was even ready, it was over.  I was bandaged, my breast packed with ice, and I was sent on my way to wait the few days for my biopsy results.

   Am I worried? A little.  But at some point during this ordeal, I acquired a sense of calm and acceptance about my plight.  There are so many people so much worse off than me and I felt confident that this would not be beginning of my end.  I intend to go out with a blaze of glory ladies and a saggy, dangling breast will not be part of that story.

So while the ordeal was anything but sexy and alluring, and clearly far from the visions of womanhood celebrated by that famous song, it was lovely in a way.  While some may winch at my use of that word to describe a breast biopsy, I feel strongly that it applies.  Being a woman at any time in our existence, has never been easy.  Throughout history our sex has managed to build armies, conquer new lands, lead revolutions, guide nations, discover cures, feed the hungry and free slaves, all while managing to get dinner on the table by six o’clock.

What is lovely is that as women, we are capable of anything.  What is lovely is the comradery I felt with the female doctor and technician, their caring inquiries about how I was doing during the procedure and their kind laughter as I tried to lighten the mood and, perhaps, waylay some of my own discomfort.  What is lovely is that as women we can undergo pelvic exams and maintain our dignity.  That we can give birth in a room full of people or alone in the wild.  That we are not fazed by baby spit down our shirt.  That we move through our days with clinging toddlers attached to our hip.  That we think nothing of giving up that last piece of pie to our child (even when we are really, really, hungry and PMSing).  What is lovely is that we can do all this, and so much more, and still manage to keep it together. 

So while I was not looking forward to today, I can honestly say that my experience was lovely and I am a better person for having gone through it.  Surely, Miss Ann Margaret would agree.