Strong personality – code word for bitch?

I have a “strong personality”.  That’s what a coworker recently told me when trying to explain why another coworker seemed to be bothered by my enthusiasm about a project.  While the details of my workplace traumas could supply enough material to fill a book, I want to focus on the term “strong personality” for my current entry.

            My coworker’s reference to my character trait was said after some hesitation on her part.  You know, that kind of lull in a conversation that usually precedes someone being told a hard truth.  Like a tough love revelation that is meant to snap the receiver into reality. 

In fact, she said it almost under her breath, her eyes darting around to see if anyone else could hear.  Clearly she was trying to protect me, right?  As the conversation proceeded and she worked her way up to the troublesome pronouncement, I wanted to check my nose for a stray booger and my shoes for an errant trail of toilet paper.

Strong personality, hum, I thought.  I couldn’t really argue with that.  Yeah, I am outspoken.  I am passionate about the things I do.  I am always ON, particularly in the work environment.  In fact, I pride myself on being always ready to pitch in, to lend a hand, to make suggestions.  I’m a team player, I said to myself, beaming with a bit of pride.

I was puzzled by the look on my coworker’s face and curious about the way she let the phrase “strong personality” come out of her mouth.  She spit the words out, her upper lip curling in revulsion.  It was like they left a greasy, bad taste in her mouth that she wanted to get rid of as soon as possible.  I began to doubt my pride in that label; she seemed to be a bit embarrassed and I could sense her pity for me.

I began to feel a little ashamed and in need of saving.  Like I should be sitting on a folding chair in a damp church basement clutching a stale cup of coffee.   My name is Amber, and I have a strong personality.

What could I do?  I couldn’t disagree.  I do tend to be intense when doing something I’m passionate about.  I’m not generally known for being happy and often can be quite miserable (ask my family), but when I’m doing something I like, or something I feel enthusiastic about, I do tend to turn up the volume and go all in. 

The problem is that I don’t see why my strong personality would be a bad thing, as it so clearly seemed to be to my coworker.  I come from a family of intense people.  We fight intensely and we love intensely.   Nothing is done half-way.  Everything is approached full-on, sleeves rolled up, and ready to go.  Geez, my mom used to yell “Is everybody ready?” when we got in the car, with me and my siblings proclaiming “Ja vole” in reply.  For those unschooled in the Germanic languages that loosely translates to “totally, dude!” This made even the most mundane task feel as if it were the start of a great adventure.  Corny?  Maybe, but it’s how I was raised and how I approach life.

While my initial reaction to the label “strong personality” being bestowed upon me was one of obvious agreement, my coworker’s seeming disgust gave me pause.  Was there a problem with having a strong personality?  Should I be worried about infecting others with it?

It was hard enough being a woman in this world – worrying about the size of my ass, the number of wrinkles on my face and whether I was wearing the right label – now I had to worry about my personality as well.  Maybe there was some cosmetic surgery I could get or some designer personality I could don.  You know, like a personality make-over.  My self-doubt raged on. 

I got to thinking, was the term strong personality really a pseudonym for something else?  Was it a code word for bitch?  Had I committed a faux-pas by being enthusiastic about my job?  I mean the reason for the conversation was because a coworker had been treating me rather poorly and unprofessionally.  She clearly didn’t like me and made no secret that she preferred to not be around me. 

While I was thinking of my strong personality in a positive way, I think my coworker was thinking of it in a negative way.  My female coworkers, like so many women, do not tend to be very supportive of one another.  No one supports or champions each other.  The most you can hope for is that they don’t talk about you when you leave the room.  That, my dear, is a topic for another essay.

Based on this less than supportive atmosphere, I couldn’t help but think the moniker I had been given was really code for a much more nefarious label – bitch.  Let’s face it ladies, when we don’t like each other we don’t hold back.  We will take whatever positive personality trait we can and twist into something mean and hateful in order to suit our purpose.  And here I was thinking my go-get-him attitude was a good thing! 

But then my middle aged calm came on.  This serene sense of tranquility about myself is one of the few benefits of menopause and a mid-life crisis.  It’s the feeling that you just don’t give a damn about what other people think of you.  My girlfriend calls it the “don’t-give-a-shit-ometer”.   All the hot flashes and night sweats in the world are worth getting to that point.  I think of it as God’s way of paying us back for our aging bodies.  Things sag, get wrinkled and gray, but it doesn’t matter so much because we don’t care.

So, with this same “screw it” attitude, I decided that being told I have a strong personality was a compliment and not an insult.  I had thought about it long and hard and decided to remove the stain of insult from the title strong personality.  I decided to go even further, however, and to not just neutralize the term but to exalt it as something to be desired.  It wasn’t good enough to just dismiss the term as a characterization – it would become my mantra.

Strong personality was a compliment, dammit.  It was a compliment to be accused of caring too much.  It was a compliment to be labeled tough.  It was a compliment to be regarded as someone who goes at life full force, not letting it kick you to the curb.  So yes, I thought, it was a compliment to be recognized for the way I lived my life.

So if you happen to visit my place of work, or any of the various environs I haunt, you will know me.  I’ll be the one speaking up, being strong, and living life out loud.  I will be the one saying “I’m Amber, and I have a strong personality, bitch!”